[#MISSJASJASISTHENAME] I HATE MYSELF SO MUCH

Well, how shall I start? By the way, this picture I captured by myself on 4/10/2008. I doesn't wanna take any pictures from www.google.com as I want this post represents to me only. These are my feelings now. Actually, I am very very very sad until I don't know who I can find to talk to. For SERIOUSLY! I really miss my beloved mummy so much. I really want to ask a question to god "why you took away my happiness?" 

I didn't pray to you that I want to earn a lot of money. I just pray that I want my family to stay healthy and happy always. This is my simple wish I want! Why you cannot give it to me? I really want my mummy to back with me. I still haven't do a lot of things with her and promised her that I will take care of her and my dad once I am successful in my future. Why you never allow me to do so? WHY? 

Sometimes I keep thinking that WHAT HAVE I DONE? for so many times. The person should gets the sicknesses is ME! NOT MY MUMMY! I know I had done a lot of mistakes, I always believe that bad people will get retribution but now? I don't think so. My mummy was good to everybody and she always taught me to do good things, forgive people and being 'cincai' person. But now, why want to treat me like this? 

Everyday, every time, every night, every morning, every afternoon, I am sad and lonely without her. Why I really need my beloved mummy so much? Every morning I wake up, my mouth will starts talking with my beloved mummy until I sleep. I miss calling her OH MOTHER! or AH MI! for so many times. I miss hugging her from behind and disturb her while she is doing cooking in the kitchen. I miss cooking together with her. I miss eating lunch together with her while talking. 

I miss spying her while she is bathing (afraid that she will fall down). I miss watching channel 333 with her and my daddy. I miss I bought new items from online boutiques and show her. I miss wearing them for her to see and comment about it. I miss argue with her. I miss my childish reaction with her. I only can be childish in front of her. I miss taking nap together with her. I miss telling her everything of my secrets. I miss everything between me and her! 

After my mummy passed away, I am no longer happy girl and always smile. Without her, I won't and never be happy anymore. I hate myself so much! I also hate myself for NOT taking a lot of pictures of her together with me. Now I want to take, it is too LATE already! And I also hate my 21st so much! I shouldn't celebrate and blow my 21 candles on 25/8/2013!!!!!! My only wish is my mummy will recover, stay healthy back and be happy walking towards the journey with my daddy, brother, sis-in-law, sister, bro-in-law, me and my boyfriend. Now, I don't believe anymore! ALL ARE LIES to me! 

Why I say that I am living in the hardest life? I want to go and work but got some problems. What are the problems? I want to work from opening time until 6pm but I couldn't work at night shift. I don't want to leave my daddy alone at home. I know he is very sad too as he loves my mum so much. And I couldn't work on Sunday as my daddy told me that the hardest time for him is EVERY SUNDAY! So, I don't want to leave him alone at home too. And I only want to off on 1st and 15th day (CHINESE CALENDER) because I need to go and pray my mummy. I really hope I could find someone who understands me and my situation. 

I know many people choose their career but I choose my family. Now the most important person in my life is my daddy and I always telling myself that I gotta stay strong for him. Sometimes, I do really want to commit suicide   but how? Sigh! And lastly I wanna tell to those who look down on me while I am taking care of my mummy and after my mummy passed away, GO THROUGH MY LIFE FIRST AND THEN YOU WILL KNOW WHAT IS MY FEELING! Stop asking me to forget about my mummy! SHE IS MY MUMMY! How could I forget about her? 

And I don't feel proud that I have a godmother (a person who never respect me as her own goddaughter). Being rich is doesn't matter. Without your hubby's father-in-law business, aren't you rich right now? I guess without the business, you wouldn't rich now! And one more thing, I got only one mother in my life! She is the only one mother can be my mother! She is the perfect one NOT YOU!